With all my intentions, and despite my post title, I can honestly say that I hoped I would be a more compassionate person. But alas, there is always today, tomorrow, and the days after this that will allow me to be better!
The past couple of years have been difficult. I think it started when my mom became really ill, to put this into context it was right after my dad himself was released from the hospital for open heart surgery. She was at the hospital for almost four weeks until they discharged her, sent her home with a caregiver, told her to stay in bed for a while (and change her entire lifestyle.) For a while I enjoyed my solitude while dealing with my own emotions surrounding my family. I worked on bettering myself as an individual or so I thought, my physical health rapidly improved, but mentally I did not. I held onto a lot of resentments I had surrounding various relationships, friendships, and people who did not show me kindness during those harder times in my life.
Fast forward to 2016, I was in a very beautiful but serious relationship, with a man I still love very much. We decided to move in together. It was one of the happiest decisions I ever made. And it came crumbling apart last year. I hurt the person that mattered the most to me. One who loved me with patience and kindness. In the months since I can openly admit, I felt ashamed and broken.
After the fact I had many people voice their opinions. And I found myself taking refuge from friendships over harmful words and actions. I had to choose to love myself even when I didn’t like myself very much. And damn it’s painful to see yourself honestly.
Going into 2018, I thought everything would be better. But at first it was very bittersweet. The past few month had been turbulent and I was slowly putting my life together again. A lot of days it doesn’t feel right. I was obsessed with everything being perfect instead of loving my partner and all of the perfect he was. But in that I learned that I want to accept what people offer, if it’s good, I want to sip on their koolaid. Take their love and give it back x100. I want to trust people with my heart, even if it will get broken. It opened my eyes people! 2018 isn’t about being perfect for me, it’s about being human and healthy and genuine. Mental health is my priority this year and being as gentle and loving as possible. Soaking up the happy, sweet, bits and pieces of life.
It’s been nearly six months since that relationship ended. And in these months I have had this amazing opportunity to look inwards and really embrace myself. The importance of self love has been in the forefront of my mind and I have to say, I have been so freaking giddy and reflective for the past few weeks! 2018 has been beautiful for me and continues to prove so! (Thank you thank you universe!)
This being said I have found that many things I believe strongly in, are even more predominant than usual. I believe in love, hard work, independence, apologies, and remaining humble. I believe in karma for the moments when you do those things right.
Honestly I still am turmoiled with the idea of ego, and this is where compassion lies.
I had never seen myself as a judgmental person. Believed I always wished the best for everyone, I don't hate anything, and I have tried for as long as I can remember to discover and understand why things happen, and why people act a certain way. Lately I have realized that I went through life basing my expectations of others on what I am capable of, not what they have to offer as an individual. Your priorities and my priorities are not the same. And thats okay. That's cool. This is how we learn from one another.
And maybe I won't always understand, but I can be compassionate.
I can only be compassionate, when others are different from me. I can only be kind to them.
Whether it is for a job, or money, or even for love. And I don't mean education about a career, I mean life skills, understanding how to treat people, being street smart. Each of us makes mistakes, so instead of judge, I can empathize and I can change my reactions.
Do you know how therapeutic it is to realize that?!
I know that wanting to be a better person has a lot to do with an individual. It is personality, it is actions, it is discovering yourself (your bad side.) It is a choice, plain and simple.
Who we choose to surround ourselves with, represent pieces of ourselves.
And as quickly as I changed my outlook, I am once again living the life I have always dreamed. Traveling, creating content, teaching, and thriving. I acknowledged that my trajectory had gotten off course, I was surrounded with extremely positive, confident, and motivated people again. 2018 has made me feel so blessed and full of life. I feel supported, loved, and like nothing can stop me. I have many more exciting trips planned coming up now.
Struggling is human, but you can choose gratitude and optimism any day and that really gives me hope for my future.